are you alive?

i've been told on more than one occassion that when i sleep it's kind of hard to tell if i'm asleep or if i am dead. eric used to check on me and i'd be cold, couldn't see my chest move, couldn't find a pulse or feel air coming out of my nose. voltaire apparently crawled into bed with me this morning and he did all the things eric did and didn't get a response. so he touched near my nose and i apparently scrunched my nose and shook my head. i swear why do people jack with me when i'm asleep. i remember when i was four my older sister was jacking with me and she had crossed my arms across my chest, put a rosary in them and a fake flower. pulled up the blanket like i was waiting to be viewed.

oh well.. if i don't respond when i'm sleeping i'm not necessarily dead, i'm just asleep.

just another saturday

My oncy appointment was good. My foot problems were not exasperated by chemo. My bruising, as my dad and I were talking about, may have to do with the cats walking on me all the time. I’m just delicate. I however have to lose about 50 pounds by January 2010. My doctor told me I need to lose more weight and that I have to see him back in six months. So I’m going to have to get back up at 3.30a, do a cardio work out from 4-5a, then shower and go to work. When I get home I’ll do strength training and toning with V. Going to have to give up my fast food and laziness.
V is back and already throwing fits. It’s going to have to take lots of patience again. I’m about ready to take a nap cause we got up about 5 so that we could go and get breakfast, my dad was leaving early. Oh my older sister decided to ask for her photos from when she was a kid. The thing is I’ve moved around since I offered them to her 10 years ago and part of me is thinking I only have my mothers and mine. I think I gave my mother my sister’s photos when I was at Eric’s.
Okay – nap time..

what are the terms of love?

So a friend asked me the other day why I don’t allow myself to have orgasms with them. I said because I’m not going to allow myself to have that pleasure with someone I’m not committed to or can’t commit to… While sex is an intimate thing, something to be enjoyed and passionate and playful, etc… I don’t agree with putting all my emotions into it when there is no relationship and/or there cannot be one in the future.
But then when I was talking to my bud, I went from being happy to a deep plummet into a well because I have lots of emotions and feelings into a relationship that cannot and will not be. I think today it donned on me why I plummeted so hard. Not because he didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear – I knew what he was going to say when I asked a question. Not because I live in a fantasy world where things will be what I want them to be, when I want them to be and with the rules and regulations I set. But because I define love by the amount of time someone spends with me. I define love by the amount of attention someone gives me, not being showered with gifts cause that doesn’t mean shit except they’re trying to make up for something. I get upset when someone can’t see me, or call me, text me, e-mail me. I feel as if love is on their terms. What they can allow themselves to love me, depending on their schedule. I feel love is so limited and non-expansive. My mood changed when I talked to my dad and he went from spending two days here to spending less than 24 hours here. I felt like he didn’t love me. I know it’s silly. I know he is busy and he needs to get back and go to work. I know they have things to do, but I feel like I belong in there somewhere. I deserve time too. I understand if I were to move closer I would probably feel that love, but I wonder to what extent. He’ll be busy then too. I felt that way with my bud last night. He’s so busy with work that even chatting with him in the evening while he is out of town sucks. I can tell he is stressed and busy but I feel like he feels obligated to talk to me to pacify me. I shouldn’t feel that way cause I know he loves me and cares about me and I make him laugh. I told him that if we were together when he went out of town it’d be like a slumber party. I’d be jumping on the bed and running amuck and making him laugh, staying up all night long like kids.
So why is it I can’t manage to see that love is not limited and just because someone has a life and I don’t doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of them, or that they don’t love me.
Tomorrow is going to be a stressful or rather anxiety filled day. I go to the oncologist. Need to ask about bone scan or find out why feet are all the sudden messed up. I still bruise quiet easily unless I take Vitamin B12. Fatigued – though I think some of that has to do with depression. I wish I could take a month off from work and V and I could go rent a cabin out in the middle of nowhere. Reading, swimming, exercising, writing, eating just veggies and fruit, no phone or internet. I would do good on a survivor type show without the backstabbing and manipulations. I hate that part of reality shows which is why I hardly watch any of the big ones – only the crime reality type shows.
Anyways I guess I’ll let’cha go. I have a few things I need to do tonight. Joy… I hate chores!

dear mother....

Mother,
I’ve written this letter over and over again in my head, yet when my pen touches paper all organization goes away. This is probably the hardest thing I’ve done in my life, well second. I’m approaching another big milestone in my life, another fork in my road of life. At this point I feel it’s best to tell you all my feelings, pain and hurt. I’m not looking for nor do I want a response. I just want you to listen.
For years I’ve apologized for everything and anything, to the point that they became empty words just to please you. I do not remember one time you have apologized to me for any argument and/or disagreement we had. I can no longer apologize for things I am unaware of. I will no longer apologize for things I am unaware of just to have you talk to me.
I struggle constantly trying to understand or at least comprehend why it feels like my whole life I’ve always come last. Why you wouldn’t name me or feed me as a baby. Why when I stand-up for something I believe in, assert my independence, everything you taught us to do I no longer exist to you. Why did you stress so much for me to give up V, why did you try taking him away from me when I have shown maturity and compassion for him way more than you thought I could. I’ve held down a full time job, have my own place, bought my own cars, put myself through school and am raising a brilliant young man. He is my pride and joy and has always come first.
After all these years the two most hurtful things you have done has to do with telling me to give up V. And when you were on the phone talking to A after my surgery when I was diagnosed with endometriosis and ya’ll were discussing me probably not being able to have any more children.
I ran from Austin to grow-up. To become an adult without having to constantly rely on my family to live. I did it to show V that when you set your goals you can do them without having to rely on others all the time. He sees that there are times when I have to leave Dallas to come home and distress and regenerate. That shows him family will always be there, even if it’s just for an hour or two, or at the last minute. I’ve done pretty much everything I’ve set out to do. There is more but at least I started by myself and know that I can do it.
I hoped my accomplishments would have made you proud. Words that you could say, without pre-written cards or other people’s quotes but in your own words. When I graduated from high school you said you couldn’t believe it. When I turned 18 you said you were surprised I was still alive. I am about to turn 31 and I’m tired of competing for your attention and affection. I’ve accomplished so much, I’ve been through a lot without having to run home ( I did once for 3 months in 2001).
As often as you’ve rejected me I no longer have anything else to give you. Whatever it is you need or expect in a daughter I apparently lack in your heart, your eyes, and sadly enough in your mind. I hope A and her children fill whatever void I appear to keep.
I feel it’s best we go our separate ways. May you find happiness and joy in your life. I’m finding plenty in mine.
- jlucienh

slept like shit

I slept like shit last night. Tossing and turning. Not really sure why. Now I have to pull myself together and go to work. One good thing, when I got home and checked my email Eric said he was going to give me the papers.. though I wasn't in town when he wrote it so I'm hoping he hasn't changed his mind and I can get them.
My dad is supposed to talk to V about Eric being his dad. I don't want V to feel as if he didn't have a parent that doesn't love him, whether it be me or a dad. I know deep down inside Eric loves V more than life itself. I just think Eric screwed up and V wasn't going to let him forget it. I wish V would work things out. He does need a dad and for the most part Eric was pretty good. Maybe V just needs to live with me and visit Eric on the weekends or for a few hours here and there. I don't know. I fear when V grows up he'll realize his biological father doesn't care about his existence and he threw away the next best thing to a dad he will ever have.
My lil' sis and brother-in-law said they will take care of V if anything happens to me. So I'm going to write my will this week and see about filing it or whatever it is I have to do to make it legal.
I'm off to brush my teeth, put on a happy face, grab some slim fast and go to work.

what a week

So my mother was supposed to go to my Aunt Rose's on Friday and didn't. Which was fine, V and I spent a few hours with Rose and Art. We went there yesterday for their annual 4th of July party. My mother and sister came and didn't say a word to me or V. Wait, she said one word to me - I asked if she saw v and she said "yes". She said hi and socialized with all of the Zavalas but didn't acknowledge V or me. How embarassing. One of the Zavalas asked if Andrea was my sister and I said yes. Rose tried to cheer me up but it hurt to be completely ignored for several hours in front of family. What hurt even more was to find out she didn't talk to V except to tell him to get off the porch cause he was wet and making a mess.
I could not put down Firefly lane this weekend. I'm almost finished but I felt so like Tully when I was there. My dad and mom-e tried to cheer me up and tell me to be positive and calm down and not loose my cool, etc.. They said she loves me and her feelings are hurt from when I didn't invite her to be with me or take care of me after my mastectomy. I feel like the only time I'm good enough or allowed to have any attention, and not love cause I'm determined she's uncapable of that, is when I'm in the hospital or when I have cancer.
I went back to Austin sooner cause I was stressed having to deal with Eric about V and him signing and giving me the divorce papers. And then I left Austin feeling like I don't have a family. Feeling like I've always been the outsider looking into everyone else's family. While my dad and mom-e have welcomed me into their family, as well as my best friends (I used to go on vacations with her family and basically live with them during the summer in high school) and my aunt Rose and uncle Art, and my grandparents, I just don't feel like I belong anywhere. I seriously thought having V would complete that. Would give me a family and it did, but can't manage to stay married. I can't manage to believe in love long enough for it to last more than few years - if even that. I don't trust the love that someone could give me - I imagine it has to do with not feeling like my parents loved me as a kid and now my mother as an adult. I would love to know what it is that I am supposed to do. What am I supposed to be in order for her to love me. In order for her to want to see me. In order for her to want to see V. What have I done wrong? I kissed her ass like there was no tomorrow when I was younger. As an adult I have stood up for what I believe in, like she taught us. Told her how I felt, told her what I was thinking and being true to myself and in turn I get ignored and treated like shit.
My dad tried to cheer me up yesterday with pizza, but then the dessert I got wasn't cooked all the way so we had to have them bring another one, but it didn't work. I left first thing this morning and now I'm just kind of vegging. I so want to take several sleeping pills and sleep till I have to go to work tomorrow. I am still so upset. Why does her rejection make me want to try harder for her approval when I know there isn't anything I can do to get it? Everyone tells me it is her and not me but it's kind of hard to believe when it happens so frequently and for such a long time.
I hadn’t longed for my bud to be with me as much as I did this weekend. I wanted him to hold me or hug me and tell me everything is okay. I wanted to be able to nestle my head against his chest as tears rolled down my cheeks instead of shoving my head in my pillow.
I had a good time at my parents house – floating around the pool reading. Just soaking up the sun, listening to nothing. Feeling the wind blow over my body, moving the float ever so softly across the pool. Occasionally falling off the float into the water to cool down. I was reminded to put on sunscreen cause I have fair skin and I haven’t been out in the sun for about 3 years. No I am not kidding. I’m sun kissed now. Two toned. White and Reddish brown. Well I’m going to piddle paddle and try to keep my mind off of things. Love my bud with no avail – that is one love I haven’t gotten tired of and don’t see getting tired of. Maybe cause we’re friends….and that’s how it started and not starting off as lovers and not having that solid friendship. Course we’re not lovers either.

more crapola than i can handle

It’s been a while and probably will be. My stress level has more than doubled. I managed to file for divorce last week. As far as getting the signed waiver from someone – well that has not been successful. Basically holding the signed papers hostage and the money is V. I just do not have it in me to fight and argue. I’m not going to succumb to the manipulation… but right now I’m kind of lost. I wish I had an attorney. This isn’t something I want to deal with. He appears to be losing it. I’m trying to stay sane and not freak out. I spent most of this weekend in bed. I’m trying to get up and do things but I’m just in a funk. I hate being in funks. The worst part is, I can’t act out like I normally do. No cutting, no pills, nothing. What kind of example would I be setting when I tell him to straighten up and not do or say stupid shit and I do. Of course I don’t want to die and that has never been the intention, it’s always the relief I feel. I need that feeling right now. I need that relief more than I need a cock. Ugh.
I need a lawyer that will take my case pro bono.

seriously i work part 2

so i got this wild hair up my ass, I pulled it and examed it and it wasn't so wild after all but more logical.... starting over makes sense to me. all the way to a new car. when i got my last car it came with being told i'm not mature and i will never grow up, fights and trying to take it back cause eric wanted me to and not because i wanted to. it also came with divorce papers less than a month later - because me being childish and impulsive constituted such an action on his part. so every time i went to his house i'd feel like crap, okay sometimes i feel like gloating cause he didn't return the divorce papers and i got the car anyways, but it wasn't a good feeling. also with a recent understanding that my foot isn't going to get much better but there is a chance they both could get worse - mind you i think part of this is hereditary since my mom had similar problems - i decided i needed an automatic and not a standard. as much as i love standards and the giddy up and racing, which my car doesn't have the giddy up i'd like it to, i could risk loosing it. for crying out loud i'm 30 yo and seriously still do act like a teenager. i don't find this a major flaw alone less a flaw, but it is something that maybe just maybe i need to set somewhat of a mature example for V - at least once in a blue moon. by the way the next blue moon is December 2 and December 31, 2009 so that is when i'll be mature. anyways i have to get back to work...

seriously i work

this was for a guy at work that apparently comes in every morning and whines to the other inspectors. i told the lead inspector who asked me to make a sign, yes i always go above and beyond no matter what the job is, to tell the guy to stop jacking off all night long and he wouldn't be so tired and have a headache.. then it donned on me he must be jacking off which is why he has a headache.. any guys head would be sore if he was yanking it all night long..

yeah at times i'm quite vulgar but hell when i work with a bunch of guys i can definitely keep up and then get a head. always ready with some smart ass remark immediately!

long time no write...

It’s been a while since I’ve written but things have been all over the place. V and I are at times great and the next at each other’s throat. We went to counseling again, and it was suggested that V see a psychiatrist and be put on anti-depressants. I’m really mixed emotionally on this decision. While I don’t want him to suffer and be upset and depressed, there is another that wants him to learn to live without meds. I feel guilty to some extent cause it’s a genetic/hereditary thing and yet a part of me has always known that this time will come. I just always hoped he would be out of high school and that this would be a decision he would make on his own. Yes that is very selfish but it would make things easier for me. I was talking to my dad about it after the session and my dad told me he was on valium when he was in high school. Now it’s funny cause my dad and I take the same anti-depressant, actually his is a “generic” (not quite the same formula but close) of what I am taking. So I’m going to call a psychiatrist and see if I can go in and talk to them about my concerns, prior to bringing Voltaire in. I don’t want to address my concerns in front of him. Another thing is when I started on meds I went from straight A’s to at best a low B/ high C. Honor classes to regular classes. I don’t want that to happen to him. I know the meds have changed and everyone reacts differently to them.
On another note I finally found out what was wrong with my foot and I no longer feel crazy. I finally broke down and saw my orthopedist. He decided it was time for a MRI. Well during the MRI it was discovered I have hallux rigidus, which is basically arthritis in the toe joint – the bone though and not the cartilage. In face my cartilage is good, but I the bone is degenerating... hence the pain. So now I am trying to find shoes that will help with the pain. I went from my Converse to the trendy Crocks. Though I will admit I put them on in the store and walked around and my foot pain went away almost immediately. They are so comfy. I went ahead and ordered Dr. Scholl’s sandals – I love those and they curve at the toe which is supposed to help. Also I still have some healing from the break and strain – which is normal. I opted for the cortisone shot and it’s helping some. Hurt like hell the last two days though.
Anyways V is away for the week. This will be interesting. I gave him my bed but now I will get to sleep on it all week long J. We rearranged the whole apartment. It turned out really good. I love having him here. I don’t think he believes me when I tell him I check on him several times a night. I really do. Ever since he got my bed, Friday night, he isn’t falling off the bed. He just moves around A LOT! I fear for his girlfriend/wife cause he turns upside down and sideways still. I can sleep in the same spot all night long. It’s kind of funny. I swear sometimes I think he’s a little prissier than I am and am glad he is boy and not a girl. He is high maintenance! Well I guess that is all for now. I should be writing more this week. Things I have to do this week include finding a lawyer to talk to about divorce – everything is signed, etc.. just needs to be finalized but it expired 3 years ago! And then V’s psychiatrist. Sleep and stay sane.